Tuesday, October 25, 2016

Stanktaint™ ANALysis™ Power Meter

Stanktaint power system is pleased to announce a completely new, completely novel, completely advanced human-based power measurement system. All other power systems either use (a) strain gauges (in pedals, cranks, crankarms, wheel hubs) or (b) everything but strain gauges to infer power (no shit).

Stanktaint power systems measure thermal energy to quantify energy output.  Simply put, the Stanktaint is a highly sophisticated thermometer system integrated into a next-generation smart chamois. An example of what the Internet of things can accomplish, the Stanktaint next-generation smart chamois provides precise feedback on power output by directly measuring exercise-induced thermal variance.

At this point, you're wondering--what's so great about a thermometer on my do-dads?

Well, understanding your body's thermal output provides a far deeper capacity for understanding energy output than bike-based systems. Our system cuts out the bike middle-man, so to speak, and connects directly to your body. This connectivity with the body allows a level of data metrics, far more than those provided by a bike-based system. It spits out a myriad of data points that would bewilder your outdated Garmin.

That's why, to accommodate these outputs, we've created a new head unit system we call ANALysis,

When paired with Stanktaint™ ANALysis™  presents a complete picture of bodily activities that will relegate mere power analysis to the human sciences museum!

In addition to common metrics such as speed, power output and heart, ANALysis™ produces the following transformative metrics:

  • total energy production: how many slices of pizza are you burning right now? Only Stanktaint accurately measure thermal output to know exact values; 
  • efficiency:  in the average person less than 25% of energy produced goes into propelling a bicycle. Improving your cycling efficiency is the key variable and Stanktaint™ ANALysis™  is the only system currently capable of providing this while riding, percent of total energy production going into forward motion), 
  • degree of microbial activity: for riders with serious hygiene issues or concerns, Stanktaint™  raises awareness of funk down in the junk-al area. Riders who have suffered from saddle sores and boils and puss and flesh eating bacteria will be the first to not poo-poo such metrics;
  • reproductive impairment: for those wanting to sire offspring, our system offers aggregated estimates of sperm count based on precise metrics validated by reputable dick doctors everywhere; 
  • level of arousal: for those serious about sexual health while on the bike, metrics on this are available for both men and women. 
Act now to order your Stanktaint™ ANALysis™  system and you'll receive, at no extra charge, the enzyme analysis module! Through our patented flatu-meter, variance analysis coupled with digestive residue allows a complete picture of the digestive profile. Using this you can tailor your diet to better suit your digestive needs.

So call today!